Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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