Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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