I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
