it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
