I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
