If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
