i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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