The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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