If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
