the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
