no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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