3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
nut hugger
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
