Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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