Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
cat food counts as protein by the way
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
