did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
