Someone shit on the floor
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
