and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
