A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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