Fine. I'll sleep in my office
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
