if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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