Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
