I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
