he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
