maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
