I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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