You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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