i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
