im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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