I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
