It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
