I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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