I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
