if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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