tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
