you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
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Do I have a choice?
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im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
