The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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