I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
