I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
