I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
