do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
