1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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