I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
