I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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