I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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