His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
