I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
