Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
