before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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