About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
