I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
